Seeking the “Holy Grail” - of Community Building Chapter 10 Part 2
Bringing “Head, Heart, and Hands” into alignment - Connections Gatherings
Welcome to the Birthing the Symbiotic Age Book!
NEW here? — please visit the TABLE OF CONTENTS FIRST and catch up!
You are in Chapter 10, Part 2, Seeking the “Holy Grail” of Community Building - The Connections Gatherings – Bringing “Head, Heart, and Hands” into alignment … Self-Awareness Begins at Home.
Chapter 10 posts:
The Greatest Obstacle to a New Way of Living — The De-Platforming of God
Breakthrough to a New Creation … New Wine in New WineSkin Networks
Are you trying to figure out where this is All Going? Read an overview of the Symbiotic Culture Strategy, which embodies the Transcendent through the nodes of intersection within local, grassroots-empowered community networks.
Voice-overs are now at the top of my posts for anyone who doesn’t have the time to sit and read! Also, find this chapter post and all previous posts as podcast episodes on
Spotify and Apple! (Note that I just saw after publishing that there are some audio glitches and challenges. I will have to redo the voiceover.)
Previously, at the end of Chapter 10, Part 1
This breakthrough happened because together, we found a common cause—a viable, healthy food system in our region—and that helped us overcome the
mental structures that kept us apart.
So …part of the “secret sauce” is bringing together “like-hearted” people so that the strong connections “at the heart” could help overcome the divisions in our heads.
This is to say that the Connections Gatherings were designed to strengthen the heart connection, hoping the “mind” would follow. These groups would be the “laboratory” for accessing the Transcendent, embodying and practicing the Virtues that bring that power to Earth, and extending the reality of “Cosmic Love” through the nodes of intersection within local, grassroots-empowered community networks.
We must have sensed this time of disconnection and despair was coming. Through our networks, campaigns, and small groups for the most committed, we saw that the remedy was “beyond belief”—that the “heart of the matter” was the matter of the heart.
The Connections Gatherings – Bringing “Head, Heart, and Hands” into alignment
We came to see that underlying the visible symbiotic networks we had used to Connect the Good in our Northern Nevada community was an “invisible” connection to the Transcendent Ground of Being—however we characterized it—and to one another. The Connections Gatherings were designed to move even beyond the networks we had created to spawn a broader spiritual awakening.
Having identified the purpose, principles, and virtues that unite us, we set out to consciously practice these to support each other in "walking the talk”—meeting the community's actual needs. Our immediate purpose was to connect people heart-to-heart, build bridges in common endeavors, and raise the consciousness of the community at large so that our small experiment could spread and “scale” into a way of life.
We described ourselves as “community weavers” because the networks we were building were intended to weave the community into a new and more functional tapestry – bringing together the separate “threads” that were already present but not connected.
We were determined to move beyond an ego-based lifestyle to build a new society based on universal virtues, self-giving Love, and to quote St. Maximus
“bring together that which has become separate.”
We used the metaphor of a community “Ark” to describe the new social and economic infrastructure to support building a Culture of Connection. We even created a Community Weaver’s Guide, where we wrote:
“Weavers break down barriers, healing themselves and nurturing a cohesive community by wiring the community together — through Conscious Love and Service ― heart to heart and organization to organization. Weavers who are already passionate about particular common needs of the community (local food, environment, economy, helping the “least of us,” health and wellness, religion/spirituality, etc.) learn to identify where there are unconnected people and groups. People usually have more knowledge in one common need area because they are passionate about it and can start making connections.
“Being in a small group gives us a taste ― to remember and discover our higher purpose ― of how to live the community of which we dream. We don’t have to wait for some future ‘utopia’ that will never happen or wait for someone else to build it for us.
Radiating love and a heart of service, we are needed now more than ever to strengthen our families, move outward into our neighborhoods and workplaces, and then
help support and connect existing community efforts
― Connecting the Good into a power for transformational change.”
So, in June 2006—just four months after our Valentine’s Day meeting that launched our Virtues and Needs campaign—we held our first small prototype meeting to continue building a region-wide “intentional community without walls” to cultivate our individual and collective internal and external awareness and resources. We began with small group meetings at individuals’ homes, which evolved into our Connections Gatherings.
Since most of us had never led such a group before, we used our first meeting to tap into our co-intelligence and “crowd-source” the process and format for future meetings. We began by identifying our goals: to reflect on our application of the Virtues and principles we had identified as “universal” and connect people around specific needs and projects, hopefully helping to build additional symbiotic networks and scale our vision and purpose.
Here are some of the Meeting Guidelines we used to keep us on track:
MEETING GUIDELINES
Speak simply and directly from the heart and keep comments brief. Please, no “cross-talk.”
This is not a therapy session to solve personal issues. So, we hold space to listen to one another and not try to “fix” anybody!
Everything shared here stays here! Need absolute confidentiality for anything “personal.”
Refrain from discussing polarizing political, religious/spiritual beliefs or promoting your business. This is a time for sharing real experiences based on living and practicing the shared virtues, not a place where we have philosophical discussions.
We focus on building the group's unity, speaking from our hearts, and highlighting what we have in common rather than what divides us.
We encourage everyone to participate and to have the opportunity to speak once before anyone speaks again.
Please respect everyone’s point of view and allow others to speak without interruption.
In the first sharing stories section, the Chrysalis, we ask that you share personal stories about what has worked for you in practicing the Virtues in the last month.
In the sharing passions section, the Nexus, please state briefly what projects you are working on and succinctly what you need. If you have nothing specific, you could share any personal needs/requests, such as help dealing with personal issues. Please state the problem clearly and what you need to address it.
The format was a monthly meeting with no more than twenty people at a private home. This intimate group could spawn similar gatherings. As more people warmed to the idea, additional groups would form in the local region. We always began the meetings with a potluck dinner to break bread together so that people could meet, greet, and socialize before any formal process began—a carryover from the “Convivencias” in the Hispanic neighborhoods in San Diego I discussed in Section I.
Before dinner, we formed a circle, and people volunteered to lead us in a short prayer or meditation on the group’s purpose.
After dinner, the group gathered in a circle with a volunteer facilitator who began the meeting process. We went around the circle and did a “check-in” — sometimes in sequence, sometimes “popcorn” style — and everyone shared their “challenges” and “joys” in their personal and work lives since the prior meeting.
Sharing was voluntary; nobody was forced to share. We had another rule: no discussion and no crosstalk. That way, everyone could be heard without interruption, and the process could be completed within a specific timeframe. After the meeting, people would naturally connect, organically address their mutual needs, and then directly support one another.
After the opening circle, we broke into small groups, called the Chrysalis section of the meeting, with four or five people. These groups would spread out to other rooms, each with a facilitator to do a 45-minute process. Each month, the group would focus on a different Virtue. It could be “integrity,” “forgiveness,” or “generosity,” etc., and participants would report successes and discuss challenges practicing the Virtue from the previous month.
For example, if the assignment had been to focus on integrity, in the small group, everyone would discuss how they demonstrated integrity — or not — in their family life, business, church, community, or any other place they engaged with people.
With a Virtue such as integrity, a person might notice that instead of being consistently authentic, they act one way around their family, another way at work, and another way when out socializing. Socrates proclaimed, “Know thyself,” and this self-disclosure was a way of doing just that.
As with the large group circle, there was no “cross-talk” or discussion after an individual shared. Instead of preparing a response, rebuttal, or anecdote, those listening could fully listen. That way, participants could “speak into a listening” and hear their words without interruption. This is important, considering how eager people are to be “helpful” by offering a solution or trying to “fix” a problem.
While most of us would love to have our problems fixed, sometimes, just being heard is enough. We found this “listen only” approach kept us in our hearts and not stuck in our heads.
As you read this, you may think it sounds like any other “self-help” group - but, ironically, it might be more accurate to call this a “beyond yourself” group!
Transforming the "head/heart” distinction is one of the great challenges for those organizing or facilitating Symbiotic Cultures and Networks. It does make a difference whether you speak from and listen from the heart or the head and whether you are able to hold and embody this awareness when in relationship with others.
In Western society, we tend to emphasize the “rational” over the “intuitive,” and so we tend to intellectualize our feelings without feeling them. It’s much easier to talk about an emotional experience in the abstract than to experience it —with all the discomfort and confusion. Believe me, I know from ongoing personal experience, even as I write this, that we all can get stuck in our heads!
In these small Chrysalis groups, facilitators were trained to help participants journey from “Head to Heart.” As a baseline, I have found people are much more comfortable talking “about” their feelings than being present with them. From my spiritual journey and participation in these Connection Gatherings, I have learned that “going deeper” means integrating our thoughts, concepts, and feelings into our hearts as an embodied, lived experience.
In other words, there is a huge difference between experiencing the Transcendent in real life for myself and reading a book in which someone describes their experience.
In retrospect, I see that practicing Symbiotic Culture out in the world presumes that you are a person who already has an active desire to “Know Thyself,” — and it is helpful to have an existing religious or spiritual community where you are already doing this.
As you may remember, throughout this book, I discuss how the universal Virtues operate like a “human interface” between “Heaven” and Earth—how Virtues are objective Transcendent Energies and not simply a metaphor or a human mental construct.
This is where the “rubber meets the road” in determining whether spiritual development and formation are real or not; in Symbiotic Culture, embodying the Virtues in daily community life matters more than lofty thoughts or beautiful words.
Of course, it’s challenging, especially in a Culture of Separation! It’s been challenging for the entire history of humanity!
Consider the following biblical passage, which many people have read at their weddings—and which those of us who are married or in a life-long committed relationship are already familiar with.
It’s from a letter that St. Paul wrote to the community he founded in Corinth in the 50s (not the 1950s, but AD 50s) that addressed the unrest, quarreling, and dissension there.
This early Christian community faced a number of problems, including polarized camps around rival leaders, disagreements on beliefs and doctrine, lawsuits, divorce, idolatry, and economic inequality—does any of that sound familiar? St. Paul reminded them that the Love Jesus was talking about came from a fundamental pattern in the nature of reality, what I have called the Ancient Blueprint.
That universal pattern of love transcended individual egos, looking good and sounding pious—it was about whether their behavior was in alignment with the reality of spiritual and natural living systems, where everything is interconnected.
From that context, these familiar words take on a deeper meaning:
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
I don’t think we ever used this quote directly in our Connections meetings, but the higher purpose of bringing love and unity was always present. Our group was intrinsically committed to deepening our spiritual capability, not only for ourselves but so that we could become community UNITERS rather than DIVIDERS.
That’s why we designed the next section of the meeting, the Nexus, to complete the natural journey of full Spirit/Mind/Body integration from—as the classic phrase goes—Head to Heart to Hands. In other words, loving thoughts, feelings, and words mean nothing unless expressed in the world as loving action.
After the breakout groups, the larger group reconvened in what we called the “Nexus,” which was really a Nexus of Local Changemakers, where we focused on supporting each other’s passions, needs, and projects to improve the community.
This process was necessarily more interactive as ideas and solutions were presented. For example, an individual declared they had 5,000 books to give away at one meeting. It turned out someone from the Public Library was there—problem solved.
Another time, someone who worked at the City of Reno’s Family Shelter connected with a permaculture enthusiast, so they got together and jointly built a community garden on top of the homeless shelter. These natural connections were catalytic and multiplied into even more actions in a Virtuous circle within the community.
Of course, not every problem was solved. Some needs were addressed after the formal meeting, and some never were. Our informal structure was more about cultivating “internal” aspects individually and then spreading this outwardly and collectively. We ended our meetings with a closing circle, where everyone offered one word to express their feelings.
In addition to the “external” value we imagined these groups would have to “change the world,” we very clearly understood the central purpose of these gatherings was to fully integrate personal AND community awakening — we had to “be” the change
we were seeking in the world.
The best way to “teach” a new culture is by example - a way of living.
We saw ourselves working primarily from the “internal” dimension outward as a catalyst, consciously overcoming any narrow beliefs, opinions, previous traumas, “over-identified identities,” or ideologies—anything hidden—really bringing to light the many aspects of the “shadow” within us.
As we cultivated our circles of trust, it became easier to share and air personal issues and spiritual challenges. Problems that might have been ignored or suppressed for years could finally emerge in this safe space. Not that the circles were a “therapy group,” but when we shared challenges and heard from other people, we became more aware in a multi-layered way, expanding to include the family as well as all of the “collectives” we are part of — neighborhood, organization, community, nation, and planet.
In retrospect, I recognize that the integration of Head, Heart, and Hand best expresses the way of living we sought to embody in ourselves and teach the community. Inside the Culture of Separation, hypocrisy is accepted as “how humans are.” In building a Culture of Connection, the Ancient Blueprint is expressed as a multi-layered embodiment from person to planet.
It means taking the thoughts, feelings, and visions within your Head, grounding them within your Heart—by feeling them, knowing them, and owning them—and then using your Hands to express your highest authentic self to have a useful, positive impact on the world.
Because of our fundamental purpose to have that impact in the world, we freely shared what we learned in the Connections Gatherings with the community at large. Below is a hand-out we used to remind us of the little things we could all do with great love! We used the acronym L.O.V.E. to describe our purpose: Living Our Virtues Everyday.
We started to understand what Martin Buber, a Jewish philosopher, meant by “I and Thou” and how that relates to the Culture of Connection we sought to build. His view reflects the primordial pattern I described in Chapter 1 as the Luminous Web and in Chapter 2 as Nature’s Web.
To Buber, when we meet another person -- a “Thou” -- we are indirectly addressing God (the Transcendent) through them. The other person isn’t God – but a “fractal of God” – just as we are.
So, the Connections Gatherings extended that knowing of the “I/Thou” relationship to the whole community, allowing it to align with Symbiotic Kinship with all life – a space where we can reconnect to ourselves, each other, and all living systems.
Self-Awareness Begins at Home
There’s a joke about the ultimate recovery group called “Children of Parents.” Unless there is some form of rampant abuse, most of us imagine our upbringing was “normal.” And, when we hear about other families that seem more functional or even dysfunctional, we begin to see the “missing pieces” in our own family of origin.
My mom was extremely critical throughout my childhood and into adulthood. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I recognized that she was unhappy and frustrated that she hadn’t pursued a career. My dad was a workaholic, away from home a lot, and instead of embracing motherhood, my mom carried it as a burden and took her frustration out on us kids.
She was particularly critical of me, finding fault even when there was no fault to find. This persisted even into adulthood. I remember once showing her a logo I came up with, and she dismissed it out of hand without any specific critique or suggestions, “I don’t like it.” This may seem trivial, but it was all too typical.
When I lived in Reno, my mom and dad lived in Monterey, California, and she and I would talk on the phone a few times a week. At the time, I was a single father raising my son, Isaac, who was then twelve or thirteen. She always had something negative to say when I reported on his progress. She felt free to criticize, disagree with how I raised him, and impose her opinion without asking permission.
Interestingly, the Connections Gatherings brought this issue to my attention. We were discussing the Virtues, and someone asked, “Is there any particular Virtue you can focus on to work with your overly critical mother?”
What came up was forgiveness. “Thanks” to my mother, I had the opportunity to work on forgiveness every month for several years! I guess that makes me a slow learner.
In those days, I would visit my parents a few times a year and stay for a week or two. Each visit was an opportunity to “practice.” First, because of my previous experiences and a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, I was able to ask for help to forgive my mother specifically. Then, I intuitively figured out how to diffuse criticism and change the “field.” Whenever I became aware that my mom was being critical, I would walk over to her, hug her, and tell her how much I loved her.
Perhaps this started as a tactic or strategy, but after many times, I realized that it changed MY interior life as much as it changed hers. Conscious Loving like this is
not about anyone’s feelings but action and commitment.
She simply could not put criticism into the field of acceptance I had created.
Regarding her criticism of my childrearing, I learned to set clear and simple boundaries when I spoke with her on the phone. I responded calmly without anger or irritation when she began a critical rant. “Mother,” I would say, “I’m calling to find out how you are doing and share what’s happening in my life. Whenever I bring up Isaac, I notice you make critical comments.”
“You do not have permission to do that. I didn’t ask for your opinion about Isaac’s behavior or how I’m raising him. It’s getting in the way of our relationship — which is precious to me. Please don’t offer your opinion unless I ask you.”
I had to restate this several times during visits as well, but it worked. She stopped doing it, and our relationship transformed. Looking back, I realize that had it not been for the monthly Connections Gathering, the support I received there, and the ongoing accountability to the group this engendered, my lifelong pattern would have continued, as would the mutual resentment.
Coming together in a group created accountability for the changes I desired to make — again, an ongoing “recovery” of the better part of myself, with help from the Transcendent. In many cases, others naturally discovered that part of themselves as well.
I also recognized that the support I gave her during her final years helped her let go of regrets and resentments, allowing her to forgive and be “complete” with her life.
As the end of her life grew near in 2019, I finally got an answer to the puzzling and heartbreaking question she kept asking me: “Why am I still alive?” I remember telling her, “Maybe there is still something for you to learn.”
As I watched her release her fears, judgments, and resentments, I saw I was right. She needed to learn to forgive, to make peace with the world, her loved ones, and herself.
Shortly before my mother passed at the age of 96, I was blessed to spend two weeks with her. Before I left to go back home, I took her hands in mine, looked into her eyes, and told her how much I loved her and what a wonderful time I had visiting. “But I have been an ogre in my life,” she told me. I told her no.
“You are such a pleasant person, and I am so happy you are my mother.” We looked into each other’s eyes, mutually recognizing that this was true, and our love became evident to both of us. Our hearts were opened at that moment, and our healing was complete.
We finally connected on such a deep level that I knew that both of us had reached a profound acceptance and that she had answered the question that she kept asking me on prior occasions—about why she was still alive.
I was so grateful for this process that I wished it for everyone else. After she passed, I shared the story on Facebook by saying, “I wanted to share some things I’ve learned, even with a challenging, difficult relationship and the potential for redemption and healing.
“Please consider this story as a call to action toward your loved ones with whom you might still have unresolved, unhealed places in your heart. You don’t have to wait for them to take the first step. Do this, not just for them, but for yourself. In peace and joy, I love you all and give true thanks to each and every one of you.”
There’s no doubt about it: I — and many other participants — benefited greatly from our Connections Gatherings. After a few years, we had at least four of these groups going simultaneously, each using the same practices and format, each an intimate sub-community.
We imagined these groups as “seeds” of Symbiotic Culture sprouting up everywhere. I even designed a 260-page training manual to spread Connections Gatherings and bring them to other communities (more about that in the next chapter).
Those seeds didn’t sprout as we had hoped, but our experience gave us valuable lessons on how to proliferate Symbiotic Culture DNA in the future. Our intuition and experimentation revealed a concrete bridge integrating personal AND cultural recovery.
We’ll share some of those lessons later in this chapter.
Meanwhile, Conscious Community Network launched another project to infuse Symbiotic Culture into the greater community and bring self-awareness through the arts -- the Conscious Community Celebration and Arts Festival.
Find out how we explored Arts and Culture in community building, NEXT in Chapter 10, Part 3.
PREVIOUS POST
TABLE OF CONTENTS
NEXT POST
I wonder about the origin of this Heart Hands Head phrasing. It sounds like the 4H group. Was it from somewhere else?
I am also conscious about the idea that this approach works for all. I do think it is culturally dependent and some cultures (Japan) for example could find some of this very difficult - there can be other ways to approach and bring people together. I wonder as well if some of these things assume a norm - and this does not fit those who are neurodiverse. OF course you can always find someone that any system or idea does not work for, but I do think you can find a way that can work with any person too!
RIchard - I have been following and reading your releases since they began and there is no doubt your your ideas which I acknowledge are based on the successes you have had in the areas where you have been actively promoting community engagement. I have from the beginning and still have doubts about how the process you are defining can be scaled up to be successful across the nation. I'm reading a book right now from which I have extracted the quote below. This statement about our society which is headed in the wrong direction when considering any method intended to build community presents a tension counter to the progress of your ideas. Your thoughts would be appreciated!!
"On average, a suburban American lives in a bigger home, sharing it with fewer people. And on average they spend more of their time looking at a screen—most likely the smallish rectangle in their palm. The average American has gone from having three close friends in 1970 to two now. Only a quarter of Americans have managed to become friends with any of their neighbors. The average American adult hasn’t made a new friend in the last five years. We consume more, and we do it more privately: that is what the suburban experience amounts to, in purely physical terms.”
— The Flag, the Cross, and the Station Wagon: A Graying American Looks Back at His Suburban Boyhood and Wonders What the Hell Happened by Bill McKibben